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439
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Off Topic / Jokes / Church Bloopers
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on: February 08, 2009, 09:33:26 PM
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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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443
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Off Topic / Jokes / VERY INTERESTING STUFF
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on: January 18, 2009, 01:25:35 PM
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> ---VERY INTERESTING STUFF
>
> In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man
> was allowed to
> beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence
> we have 'the
> rule of thumb'
>
> -------------------------------------------
>
> Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It
> was ruled
> 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'....and thus the
> word GOLF entered
> into the English language.
>
>
---------------- -------- -------------------
>
> The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
> TV were Fred
> and Wilma Flintstone.
>
> -------------------------------------------
>
> Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
> Treasury.
>
> -------------------------------------------
>
> Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear
> better.
>
> --------------------------- ----- -- ---------
>
> Coca-Cola was originally green.
>
> -------------------------------------------
>
> It is impossible to lick your elbow.
> -------------------------------------------
>
> The
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to
> work:
> Alaska
> -------------------------------------------
>
> The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
> this...)
>
> -------------------------------------------
>
> The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
> $ 16,400
> ------------
> ------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any
> given hour:
> 61,000
>
------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------
> Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
>
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
> Monuments.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------
> ---------
> Each k ing in a deck of playing cards represents a great
> king from
> history:
>
> Spades - King David; Hearts - Charlemagne; Clubs -Alexander
> the
Great
> and Diamonds - Julius Caesar
> ----------------- --------
> -----------------------------------------------
> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
> front legs in
> the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one
> front leg in
> the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in
> battle. If
> the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
> of natural
> causes..
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
> July
4th, John
> Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
> August 2, but
> the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
>
> A. Their birthplace
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
> popular boat name
> requested?
>
> A. Obsession
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have
> to go until
> you would find the letter
'A'?
>
> A. One thousand
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
> wipers, and laser
> printers all have in common?
> A. All were invented by women.
>
>
> Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
>
> A. Honey
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other
> day of the
> year?
>
> A. Father's Day
> ------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
>
> In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on
bed
> frames by ropes.
> When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making
> the bed
> firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.........
> 'goodnight, sleep tight.'
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
> that for a month
> after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
> son-in-law with
> all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and
> because their
> calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey
> month, which
> we know today as the honeymoon.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So
> in old England
> , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
> them 'Mind your
> pints and quarts, and settle down.'
>
> It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and
> Q's'
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------
> -------------
> Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle
> baked into the
> rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
> refill, they
> used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your
> whistle' is the phrase
> inspired by this practice.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> At least 75% of people who read this will
try to lick their
> elbow!
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008
>
>
> 1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
>
> 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
> years.
>
> 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
> of three.
>
> 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
>
>
> 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
> family is that
> they don't have e-mail addresses.
>
> 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone
> to see if
> anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.
>
> 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
> bottom of the
> screen
>
> 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
> didn't even have
> the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a
> cause for panic
> and you turn around to go and get it
>
>
> 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
> your coffee.
>
>
> 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
>
> 12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
>
> 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to
> forward this
> message.
>
> 14. You are too
busy to notice there was no #9 on this
> list.
>
> 15. You actually checked that there wasn't a #9 on this
> list .
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
> NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
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444
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Grease Pits / Mini Classics / Re: Barrett Jackson Auction 62 Austin Mini Jolly
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on: January 17, 2009, 08:28:45 PM
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In my opinion Barrett Jackson has ruined the car hobby. People see a car on there like one they have in the garage or in the backyard. The really tricked out/gussied up one on the auction block goes for 75 grand and instantly they think their 2500 dollar beater, in"slightly less" of a condition is maybe worth 50 grand. We were at the Charlotte Auto Fair last year and cars were so overpriced it was pathetic. Thanks Barrett Jackson.
Another part of the problem is that nobody sees the first 2 or 3 days of the auction where the beaters and the street stock types sell for 20 K or less. They only see the perfect car days toward the end of the week and into the weekend. They automatically assume that regardless of condition and even if the numbers match, that all old cars sell that well. I know when my father restored his 64 Chevy Impala, it looks like new. However, it would never make it past the first day or two at an auction like that. He has paint from an 88 Silverado on it, parts from 7 different Impalas, and a complete interior that was a factory replica. But to him, it is perfect because he can feel comfortable driving it anywhere and not worry about trailering it or any thing like these "show queens". It is to him like many Mini's are to the members of this club. Why would you build it if you can't enjoy driving it. He also knows that he will never get more than about 10-15K for it on a good day. I just wish some others could see that and not have a situation like you mentioned. |
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445
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Off Topic / Jokes / LITTLE BOY ON THE BUS
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on: January 15, 2009, 01:08:27 PM
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LITTLE BOY ON THE BUS
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a
book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little
boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'
The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar
like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the
Father of many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'
The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of
hundreds', and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned
over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your
pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
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446
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Welcome To Hampton Roads MiNi! / Rants and Raves / Re: Gas Tax
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on: January 14, 2009, 01:17:27 PM
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A few years back, Diesel used to be cheaper than gas. Then as Gas prices went up and diesel engines got quieter and cleaner, demand started out driving the production. Then oil companies found they could make a lot of money and the price has never gotten back cheaper than gas.
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447
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Off Topic / Jokes / ... and that was when the fight started!
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on: January 11, 2009, 12:35:00 AM
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My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, “She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.”
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person continue celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
“Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday, and then the fight
started.....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started...

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
"It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
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449
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Off Topic / Jokes / 158 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK
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on: January 03, 2009, 07:38:50 PM
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158 YEARS AGO THIS WEEK.
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like it is today, except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.
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450
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Off Topic / Jokes / Police Attitude Test
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on: January 02, 2009, 06:22:19 PM
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A man seeking to join a border state Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: 'Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.'
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
'Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit.'
'Why the rabbit?'
'Great attitude,' says the Sergeant. 'When can you start?'
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